Diary entry # 10 - Stop saying you are fine!

So, 

I googled Mil Robbins and I found out that she actually wrote a book about this particular problem of mine: "stop saying you are fine." is the title of the book. Okay, first of all, I  do not say I am fine, not anymore. I am aware of the huge problem that I am facing that is ruining my entire life, and one that I do not want to ruin my future. However, - despite that the title does not apply - I went on buying the kindle version and dig in.

I have finished two chapters of the first part. There are a lot that I want to say. But I have done the following: I wrote down those sentences that stroke a chord, so to speak. I wonder if it is a total waste of time writing them here as well as my real diary, but I cannot sleep, and maybe writing them down will make them stick some more. So, here we go:

Phrases that stroke a chord: Part one - Chapter I & II:-

1. Adapt a powerful mindset and push yourself to take action when you don't feel like it. 
2. To be powerful, you must make it happen while you worry that you can't.
3. You must push yourself to do things you don't want to do, so you can become the person you were meant to be.
4. There is nothing stopping you from achieving your goals but you and your dumb-ass excuses.  
5. My mindset is definitely a chicken, so my mantra is "shut up. I am doing it anyway".
6. It is about becoming more powerful in small ways on a daily basis. 
7. My challenge simply is to stop hitting the snooze button and start; not tomorrow, not next week, not next year. Start taking action now.
8. Reclaim control over 5% of your life. But brace yourself, that first 5% is the hardest part. 
9. Action is the key to everything. An action is a thought brought to life. 
10. Apply the 5 seconds rule: move from idea to execution in five second, or the idea will melt away.
11. It takes real work to make things happen. 
12. The most powerful ally in the world is yourself.
13. When you are afraid, it's easier to convince yourself to do nothing than to deal with the thought of failing again.
14. You don't have the life you want because your brain is keeping you from getting it.
15. Act as if already you have what you desire: instead of hiding behind fear, manufacture the air of happiness and confidence that you would have if you're in a great relationship.
16. In any area of your life that you want to change, adopt this rule: Just do the things you don't want to do. If you only ever did the things you don't want to do, you'd have everything you've ever wanted. 
17. Push through. 
18. The key to getting yourself unstuck is to start saying yes to those unexpected impulses that want to take you somewhere new.
19. Feeling nervous is not a red flag warning you of danger. Nerves mean you are about to do something new.
20. Nothing is changing unless you make it change.
21. Pick one small thing you can commit to doing to reverse the direction this is all headed in and do it.
22. The longer you wait, the less likely you will act. 
23. We can fight off sadness and depression much better than we realize. 
24. The worst is never as bad as you think.
25. New things don't feel safe. 

To be continued...

Diary entry # 9 - You will never feel like it

Last night I was passing through Google+ as usual. I was just added to a group about learning English. People - as usual - share a variety of videos, not necessarily related to English learning. Anyway, one of them was a TED talk about memory and how to improve it. You know what happens with these videos, you never stop at the first; one always leads to another. This is exactly what happened with me. I ended up with a video of Mel Robbins and her extremely inspirational few minutes speech. 

I loved it because it was extremely down to earth. She did not pat me on the back, she gave it to me straight and simple: you will never feel like it. Unconsciously I grabbed my diary (the physical, actual one) and kept writing this again and again. 

You will never feel like it.

You will never feel like it.

You will never feel like it. 

This is exactly what I needed to hear. I am struggling with the so called will power, the lack of self discipline, the chronic procrastination,... We all have been there, done that. And the main problem was exactly that: I was waiting to feel like it. I wanted someone to tell me how to feel like it, what to do to feel like it. However, she gave it to me straight ahead: I.WILL.NEVER.FEEL.LIKE.IT.

The relatively short speech - that I am sharing down here - left me wanting more. I wanted more of her, more of what she can offer, and I found her book. 

But for the sake of order, I will talk about it in another post. 

Diary entry # 8 - Random thoughts

A photo…

Hanging on the wall in front of me. Two people walking in the street. A man and a woman. Both have a beautiful brown hair, nice bodies and elegant clothes. I can only see their backs. And he has a possessive hand around the back of her neck. It is intimate, it is beautiful, it is familiar. It is …love.

Loneliness is eating me alive. I look at the photo and I despair. I despair because I want a possessive hand around the back of my neck as well. I want it to feel too familiar that I do not even realize it is there. I want it to be a part of my life that I am used to, I want it there for as long as I may live. I want to feel it and realize it does not give me butterflies in my stomach anymore, because it is no longer new.

Helplessness is eating me alive. I am alone and I cannot do anything about it. Would it have been different have I been a man? Would I have been the man who gets what he wants, and who he wants? Does this feeling has anything to do with me being a woman?

I am afraid… I am afraid I will have this feeling of longing and loneliness for the rest of my life, until I see the hope and the prime of my youth fade away. I am afraid of keeping on despairing until the day I realize that hope is dead. That even despair is useless because it is over. I feel like crying but I cannot because I am among people.

I do not understand myself sometimes. So here I am complaining about being lonely and how I hate the feeling. However, I would do anything to leave my parents’ house and live alone. Am I contradicting myself? Or maybe there is a difference between loneliness and independence. I want to have a life where I am free. I do not want to have to explain to my parents where I am going and when and with whom, not that I have many problems with it to be honest. I want to be able to play music any hour of the day and dance to it. I want to be on my own. This has nothing to do with wanting to be in love I think, right?

I am really fifty shades of fucked up, aren't I? my head is full of things I want to do, places I want to be, things I want to be, but here I am, sitting on my ass, doing nothing but thinking about it, or writing about it.

I am seriously terrified of not falling in love again. Is this it? Is it over for me? I see people around me, girls and women fall in love and/or get married and I am standing here, thinking maybe it is a matter of time. Then I see other women, beautiful, successful, almost or over forty who are not married and maybe won’t be ever. I cannot help but thinking what about them? Maybe I will end up like them, the smart, brilliant university professor who is not married although she is over forty now. Everybody will be feeling sorry for me. Hey, I will be feeling sorry for me.

So what happens next?

I know I have a very unrealistic idea about marriage, I see my married friends and they tell me it is not easy at all. Deep inside I fear it. But I have to face it, I am a hopeless romantic. I want to be loved and desired.

So why do I always get involved with the wrong men? The wrong, married men who do not really want me but want to enjoy what they can with me?

And there is the fear that I experience regarding my thesis, and the despair I feel because I cannot find a scholarship, and how I spend money like crazy, and my inability to commit to a losing weight plan.

Do I need to see a shrink? When will I realize that I need to see a shrink?

It is time to go home I think.

I am so not alright.

diary entry # 7: Procrastination again and again and again...

So...

I am less depressed than usual. i have overdue tasks I must get to immediately. Of course, I am using this entry to procrastinate.

I think, no, I firmly believe there should be rehab centers for chronic procrastinators. This is a serious problem and it is more or less like being addicted. Maybe you do not destroy your body, but you destroy your life, and you can end up homeless like any junkie. 

I found that 46 people have seen this online diary, assuming the 46 views are from different people, since I do not think anyone would look at my shit twice. 

It kinda makes me nervous...

Having an audience, no matter how small, is a good thing. It makes you feel you are not alone somehow.

God bless this invention called Internet.

Diary entry # 6 - The tunnel

I still cannot pull it together...

Today I spent the entire day procrastinating by reading a novel we talked about in class called "the tunnel" by a renowned Argentinian writer named Ernesto Sabato. 

It was a mistake on so many levels...

First of all, it was one of those novels that cabtivate you since the first line you read. We read one page in class. The second day I was at the library getting the book. 

Why do I think it is a mistake, well, becuase I have two papers due tomorrow and a class to prepare for. Instead of doing this, I was reading the novel, justifying my actions by the fact that it is a short novel, only 126 pages long.

The second reason is that the novel is so depressing. It is about obsession and murder. And that was the last thing I needed. 

Now I want to scream on the top of my lungs. Becuase I am tired of myself and everything I do, or do not do. 

I am walking an endless tunnel...

Diary entry # 5 - Falling off the wagon

I missed a day. 

Everyone - specially my mom - calls me lazy. But I think it goes beyond that.

So, I come home Tuesday, I have lunch and get to bed by 8 pm. I wake up at 7 am. I start watching back to back episodes of Breaking Bad on my laptop. I interrupted this party only twice: once to buy eggs for my mother, the other is to make lunch. I spent more than 10 hours in bed. What did I do when I finished? oh, I went to sleep. At 8 pm again.

What the fuck is this?

I even missed writing an entry, and not because I forgot. 

Just when I thought I am snapping out of it...

I will go read something. 

Diary entry # 4 - Does God exist?

My answer is yes. 

Not that I had any doubts before, but sometimes, things just happen in a way that makes you be even more sure.

You may not even call it God, maybe a higher power, the divine, a superior being, or call it even nature. But one thing I know for sure that we're not alone. 

I have been down for a while, this is why I started you, dear diary. And I was falling in a dark hole and felt unable to pull myself out. I felt angry because, naturally I needed some affirmation, something to tell me that I can get myself out of this. Something that tells me I will be OK and I deserve it... We always wait - hope even - for something like that. And I was desperate.  

Usually I just pray to God to help me out, to give me the piece I need, but now... I was incapable of even doing that.

So, that was another morning, I was starting to feel better but still have many issues related to wasting important assets like time and money. I was thinking i need to do something to improve my finances...

And I receive a phone call... From a classmate I have not met in the past 8 years. 

So we meet, we talk, and she tells me about this project, something that will involve being around positive people, doing something new as well as something I have done before and making money in the process.

It was just... amazing.

I have to be honest, I am still skeptical about some parts of this project, but it is a door that was opened to me when I least expected it and that in itself was enough.

I am not sure how will this one turn out, maybe it is my break from this dark hole I am in, maybe it will be just another mistake in which I will lose some money. But I am sure either way, I will come out of it feeling much better.

So, let's see what happens.