diary entry # 7: Procrastination again and again and again...

So...

I am less depressed than usual. i have overdue tasks I must get to immediately. Of course, I am using this entry to procrastinate.

I think, no, I firmly believe there should be rehab centers for chronic procrastinators. This is a serious problem and it is more or less like being addicted. Maybe you do not destroy your body, but you destroy your life, and you can end up homeless like any junkie. 

I found that 46 people have seen this online diary, assuming the 46 views are from different people, since I do not think anyone would look at my shit twice. 

It kinda makes me nervous...

Having an audience, no matter how small, is a good thing. It makes you feel you are not alone somehow.

God bless this invention called Internet.

Diary entry # 6 - The tunnel

I still cannot pull it together...

Today I spent the entire day procrastinating by reading a novel we talked about in class called "the tunnel" by a renowned Argentinian writer named Ernesto Sabato. 

It was a mistake on so many levels...

First of all, it was one of those novels that cabtivate you since the first line you read. We read one page in class. The second day I was at the library getting the book. 

Why do I think it is a mistake, well, becuase I have two papers due tomorrow and a class to prepare for. Instead of doing this, I was reading the novel, justifying my actions by the fact that it is a short novel, only 126 pages long.

The second reason is that the novel is so depressing. It is about obsession and murder. And that was the last thing I needed. 

Now I want to scream on the top of my lungs. Becuase I am tired of myself and everything I do, or do not do. 

I am walking an endless tunnel...

Diary entry # 5 - Falling off the wagon

I missed a day. 

Everyone - specially my mom - calls me lazy. But I think it goes beyond that.

So, I come home Tuesday, I have lunch and get to bed by 8 pm. I wake up at 7 am. I start watching back to back episodes of Breaking Bad on my laptop. I interrupted this party only twice: once to buy eggs for my mother, the other is to make lunch. I spent more than 10 hours in bed. What did I do when I finished? oh, I went to sleep. At 8 pm again.

What the fuck is this?

I even missed writing an entry, and not because I forgot. 

Just when I thought I am snapping out of it...

I will go read something. 

Diary entry # 4 - Does God exist?

My answer is yes. 

Not that I had any doubts before, but sometimes, things just happen in a way that makes you be even more sure.

You may not even call it God, maybe a higher power, the divine, a superior being, or call it even nature. But one thing I know for sure that we're not alone. 

I have been down for a while, this is why I started you, dear diary. And I was falling in a dark hole and felt unable to pull myself out. I felt angry because, naturally I needed some affirmation, something to tell me that I can get myself out of this. Something that tells me I will be OK and I deserve it... We always wait - hope even - for something like that. And I was desperate.  

Usually I just pray to God to help me out, to give me the piece I need, but now... I was incapable of even doing that.

So, that was another morning, I was starting to feel better but still have many issues related to wasting important assets like time and money. I was thinking i need to do something to improve my finances...

And I receive a phone call... From a classmate I have not met in the past 8 years. 

So we meet, we talk, and she tells me about this project, something that will involve being around positive people, doing something new as well as something I have done before and making money in the process.

It was just... amazing.

I have to be honest, I am still skeptical about some parts of this project, but it is a door that was opened to me when I least expected it and that in itself was enough.

I am not sure how will this one turn out, maybe it is my break from this dark hole I am in, maybe it will be just another mistake in which I will lose some money. But I am sure either way, I will come out of it feeling much better.

So, let's see what happens. 

Diary entry #3 - Keep on writing...

I missed another class, but it will be the last one I miss this semester. It is a decision, simply because I cannot afford losing more on attendance. 

The only  reason I am not feeling like shit is that I used this time to do something productive. I went to the library and studied there for a while. It was quiet and relaxing with all those books me. 
The only bad thing is that the chairs are not very comfortable, I wonder if they've done it on purpose...

One good thing I did, in my opinion, is to dedicate one hour of guilt free time dedicated to reading something that has absolutely nothing to do with my studies. God, it felt really good...

That's all for today I guess... Maybe I will not go insane after all...

Diary entry #2 - The healing power of shopping

Today went better than I expected.

I started the day with an overwhelming desire of not going to class at all... The subjects are boring and the professors are useless. One of them is specially annoying because he request things from us that have no point at all, just for the sake of getting us to do something.

I had to negotiate. I said: "OK, we will attend one class of the two, then I can go to Diwan - my favorite bookstore - and buy books, stationary, have a coffee, do some work then go home. 

My crazy mind accepted the deal.

So I went to the first class, it wasn't bad compared to my constant desire to not be there. I could interact normally with the people around me, it was not that hard. And then I went to Diwan, I got a 100 EGP voucher that encouraged me to do more shopping. And I just love buying books.

I could finally open this book about translation studies that I have been avoiding for days now. This made me satisfied. But I was sleepy so I went home, went straight to bed. And here I am awake and ready to study.

By all means, today is a much better day.

I was supposed to call this psychiatrist, but for some reason the phone call I made and this male assistant of hers made me change my mind. First, he was asleep or something, replying to a client with a sleepy voice; talking a bit informally, too. The way he told me to call again on Saturday to set an appointment on Sunday was annoying too. 

Maybe I just expect too much from people, and maybe he thinks I am an overpaid chick who has no real issues but want to see a shrink to get attention.

Oh I am just a control freak.

Diary entry # 1 - Mother's day in Egypt

This is my online diary.
This is me laying my shit bare... For what reason? Well, nothing in particular, maybe to prevent myself from running in the streets naked. 

I am in this dark hole... You know what I am talking about, when you feel like you are falling, fast and hard, but you cannot stop it, and you're not even trying.
You sleep all the time, but it is not enough, you keep waking up, then willing yourself to go back to sleep. Then you wake up and say: "now what?"

You treat time as if it is ever lasting, you spend money on things you do not really need. 
You're falling apart. 

No one can see it, though. You walk, you talk, you laugh, you go to class (except when you skip them because you just want more sleep).

You feel empty...

It is almost 4 am,  I need to prepare for class because I do not want to be the girl who sits down and says nothing. But I lack the motivation to just get up and do it.

I wake up at 10 pm, I fool around till 2, swear to start, but then it is 4 am and nothing has been done.

And I am slipping further and further...

Then I read a book, and it is a love story, and then I lament the fact that my life is loveless, and then I wonder if I am to blame... Or maybe my fat is...

I cannot pull myself out of this one, it is just getting harder and harder and I am losing the well to try. 

In order to keep whatever bit of sanity I have left, I need to keep doing something on a regular basis, to be my life line, and I am choosing this blog. No one will read it, no one will pass by it. It is me and the illusion of an audience, of not being alone.

But we are alone, we do this to ourselves. 
I am the one to blame.

PS. It is mother's day and I must bring my mother something or she will be upset. She is so material and the worst part is, she's in denial when it comes to that.