I missed another class, but it will be the last one I miss this semester. It is a decision, simply because I cannot afford losing more on attendance.
The only reason I am not feeling like shit is that I used this time to do something productive. I went to the library and studied there for a while. It was quiet and relaxing with all those books me.
The only bad thing is that the chairs are not very comfortable, I wonder if they've done it on purpose...
One good thing I did, in my opinion, is to dedicate one hour of guilt free time dedicated to reading something that has absolutely nothing to do with my studies. God, it felt really good...
That's all for today I guess... Maybe I will not go insane after all...
Sunday, 22 March 2015
Saturday, 21 March 2015
Diary entry #2 - The healing power of shopping
Today went better than I expected.
I started the day with an overwhelming desire of not going to class at all... The subjects are boring and the professors are useless. One of them is specially annoying because he request things from us that have no point at all, just for the sake of getting us to do something.
I had to negotiate. I said: "OK, we will attend one class of the two, then I can go to Diwan - my favorite bookstore - and buy books, stationary, have a coffee, do some work then go home.
My crazy mind accepted the deal.
So I went to the first class, it wasn't bad compared to my constant desire to not be there. I could interact normally with the people around me, it was not that hard. And then I went to Diwan, I got a 100 EGP voucher that encouraged me to do more shopping. And I just love buying books.
I could finally open this book about translation studies that I have been avoiding for days now. This made me satisfied. But I was sleepy so I went home, went straight to bed. And here I am awake and ready to study.
By all means, today is a much better day.
I was supposed to call this psychiatrist, but for some reason the phone call I made and this male assistant of hers made me change my mind. First, he was asleep or something, replying to a client with a sleepy voice; talking a bit informally, too. The way he told me to call again on Saturday to set an appointment on Sunday was annoying too.
Maybe I just expect too much from people, and maybe he thinks I am an overpaid chick who has no real issues but want to see a shrink to get attention.
Oh I am just a control freak.
Friday, 20 March 2015
Diary entry # 1 - Mother's day in Egypt
This is my online diary.
This is me laying my shit bare... For what reason? Well, nothing in particular, maybe to prevent myself from running in the streets naked.
I am in this dark hole... You know what I am talking about, when you feel like you are falling, fast and hard, but you cannot stop it, and you're not even trying.
You sleep all the time, but it is not enough, you keep waking up, then willing yourself to go back to sleep. Then you wake up and say: "now what?"
You treat time as if it is ever lasting, you spend money on things you do not really need.
You're falling apart.
No one can see it, though. You walk, you talk, you laugh, you go to class (except when you skip them because you just want more sleep).
You feel empty...
It is almost 4 am, I need to prepare for class because I do not want to be the girl who sits down and says nothing. But I lack the motivation to just get up and do it.
I wake up at 10 pm, I fool around till 2, swear to start, but then it is 4 am and nothing has been done.
And I am slipping further and further...
Then I read a book, and it is a love story, and then I lament the fact that my life is loveless, and then I wonder if I am to blame... Or maybe my fat is...
I cannot pull myself out of this one, it is just getting harder and harder and I am losing the well to try.
In order to keep whatever bit of sanity I have left, I need to keep doing something on a regular basis, to be my life line, and I am choosing this blog. No one will read it, no one will pass by it. It is me and the illusion of an audience, of not being alone.
But we are alone, we do this to ourselves.
I am the one to blame.
PS. It is mother's day and I must bring my mother something or she will be upset. She is so material and the worst part is, she's in denial when it comes to that.
This is me laying my shit bare... For what reason? Well, nothing in particular, maybe to prevent myself from running in the streets naked.
I am in this dark hole... You know what I am talking about, when you feel like you are falling, fast and hard, but you cannot stop it, and you're not even trying.
You sleep all the time, but it is not enough, you keep waking up, then willing yourself to go back to sleep. Then you wake up and say: "now what?"
You treat time as if it is ever lasting, you spend money on things you do not really need.
You're falling apart.
No one can see it, though. You walk, you talk, you laugh, you go to class (except when you skip them because you just want more sleep).
You feel empty...
It is almost 4 am, I need to prepare for class because I do not want to be the girl who sits down and says nothing. But I lack the motivation to just get up and do it.
I wake up at 10 pm, I fool around till 2, swear to start, but then it is 4 am and nothing has been done.
And I am slipping further and further...
Then I read a book, and it is a love story, and then I lament the fact that my life is loveless, and then I wonder if I am to blame... Or maybe my fat is...
I cannot pull myself out of this one, it is just getting harder and harder and I am losing the well to try.
In order to keep whatever bit of sanity I have left, I need to keep doing something on a regular basis, to be my life line, and I am choosing this blog. No one will read it, no one will pass by it. It is me and the illusion of an audience, of not being alone.
But we are alone, we do this to ourselves.
I am the one to blame.
PS. It is mother's day and I must bring my mother something or she will be upset. She is so material and the worst part is, she's in denial when it comes to that.
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