Diary entry # 1 - Mother's day in Egypt

This is my online diary.
This is me laying my shit bare... For what reason? Well, nothing in particular, maybe to prevent myself from running in the streets naked. 

I am in this dark hole... You know what I am talking about, when you feel like you are falling, fast and hard, but you cannot stop it, and you're not even trying.
You sleep all the time, but it is not enough, you keep waking up, then willing yourself to go back to sleep. Then you wake up and say: "now what?"

You treat time as if it is ever lasting, you spend money on things you do not really need. 
You're falling apart. 

No one can see it, though. You walk, you talk, you laugh, you go to class (except when you skip them because you just want more sleep).

You feel empty...

It is almost 4 am,  I need to prepare for class because I do not want to be the girl who sits down and says nothing. But I lack the motivation to just get up and do it.

I wake up at 10 pm, I fool around till 2, swear to start, but then it is 4 am and nothing has been done.

And I am slipping further and further...

Then I read a book, and it is a love story, and then I lament the fact that my life is loveless, and then I wonder if I am to blame... Or maybe my fat is...

I cannot pull myself out of this one, it is just getting harder and harder and I am losing the well to try. 

In order to keep whatever bit of sanity I have left, I need to keep doing something on a regular basis, to be my life line, and I am choosing this blog. No one will read it, no one will pass by it. It is me and the illusion of an audience, of not being alone.

But we are alone, we do this to ourselves. 
I am the one to blame.

PS. It is mother's day and I must bring my mother something or she will be upset. She is so material and the worst part is, she's in denial when it comes to that.